FAQ for newsgroup uk.rec.sheds, version 2&3/7th 2000-02-04 (roughly) ============================== Part 2 of 8 : Original faquette This is JD's original faquette: ----------------------------------------------------------------- As a result of the alarming amount of confusion regarding sheds, I feel duty-bound to set down here a distillation of my understandings in the matter of shedding, as we know it today. Some of the items raised will be contentious, but there is room for discussion, so let us remain calm and have no more of the capricious exhibitions displayed by our more angst-ridden posters. The questions below represent a fair cross-section of those asked of me by both posters and emailers in this matter. These questions and their answers, should, with your assistance and input, provide an understanding of sheds which will be seen as a triumph of glistering clarity. As this is not actually a newsgroup in its own right, this presentation will be referred to not as a FAQ, but as a faqette. 1. Q: What is a shed? A: A slight or temporary erection built to shelter something; an out-building. (Ref: The "King's English" Dictionary. Pg 795. Published 1942 by Books of Dignity and Service Ltd.) This esteemed tome shall be deemed to be the official reference for all matters shedish. 2. Q: How do I know if I am a sheddy person ? A: If you are, you will know. If much of your life has been spent with the uneasy feeling that you are not quite like other people and if you are inclined to hoarding useless and broken items, coupled with an inexplicable urge to find shelter for these items, you could be sheddy. Budd has divulged secret childhood yearnings for a shed. This is a powerful indicator. 3. Q: 'Is Doug's "outbuilding" a shed ?' asks Muir. A: Possibly, Max, possibly. 4. Q: "Is a gazebo a shed ?" asks Fowler. A: No. 5. Q: Several people have asked if a Nissen hut is a shed. A: Special conditions apply in this case. Slick, professionally built jobs: no. Tack-ups from materials at hand: yes. 6. Q: "Who said I was a bedsit type?" asked Lynch. A: He was off topic and drifted further to describe his fish supper and his consumption of a lesser froggy wine. Not a shedster. He also said, "I am outraged". 7. Q: "What is a Mk V-c?" asked Spence. A: Well, only the most coveted of all sheds, that's all. Muir has one with provenance that implicates Kitchener in its construction. The Mk V-c is the archetypal shed with such features as: a knurled door handle for ease of operation when you have slime on your hands; a very small window with pre-installed grime to reduce light ingress to a minimum; extra 4" nails on the studs to improve hanging capacity; downwardly adjustable headroom to ensure that no owner shall be able to stand fully upright. 8. Q: Will I require a building permit ? A: No. Your local building inspectors are marplots and will require such things as plans and safety features. Eschew regulations. 9. Q: Does a tree-house count ? A: Only inasmuch as they can be seen as a precursor to true shedness and are generally the outward manifestation of a young lad's desire to eventually become fully ensheded. 10. Q: What materials should I use ? A: It is generally considered good form to select only those materials known to be esculent to a wide range of insects and fungi. Used has preference over new. 11. Q: What exterior decoration might I undertake ? A: None. Dilapidation is the hallmark of fine sheds. Decorative sedulousness is undesirable. Paint, finials, fretwork and the like, are to be included in the nomenclature of contents and one should never consider using them as embellishments. The judicious application of runes is acceptable. 12. Q: What can I put in my shed ? A: The key to this is uselessness. If there is a possibility that the item could have a future use, it should not be consigned to the shed, the shelter of which must only be offered to the shoddy, worthless, rejected and unusable items in your possession. This faqette is a work in progress and will only achieve its full usefulness with your input and opinion. May you be blessed with an exundation of shedding pleasures. Hope this helps Jeff Drabble. ------------------------------------------------------------------- [INTERMISSION] In order that readers of this FAQ do not get bored and give up, we break the overwhelming rush of data at this point for some light entertainment, to whit, a poem from RonC: I must go down to the shed again for a bottled ale and a pie And all I ask is a Stanley knife and some Branston standing by, And the nutmeg breath and a pint of meth and the cobwebs shaking And a rusty tinge on the door hinge and the paintwork flaking. I must go down to the shed again, for the smell of the rising damp is a wild smell like a rusty nail or a wartime landgirls' camp. All I ask is is some sloe gin and a log to rest my butt And the hay-bale and the pipe's smell and the warm well-filled gut. [RETURN TO FAQ]